I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy…….

“mommy?”

“Yes, Honeybear?”

“Is God in my heart?”

“Of, course, Sweetie.”

“Then, how can I face him, if he’s in my heart? I want to see him, and I want him to see me…..I know he’s going to want to face me in heaven, right?”

These are the questions I was asked this morning at 2am by my ridiculously cute 8 year old daughter. She is the spiritualist in the family. Born on 2-2-2000 at 2:02pm, I’ve always known that someone is looking out for her, which is a tremendous blessing, as she was born with multiple mid line birth defects.

She has had multiple open-heart surgeries, as well as surgeries on her spinal cord and numerous exploratory surgeries. She has permanent brain damage, and there will be heart surgeries in the future, which keeps us all on our toes. Lately she has been regressing, and her toilet training has gone out the window since mommy has been recovering from surgery. This makes me nervous, because school starts next week, and I really want her to fit in with her peers, and not be the kid in pull-ups.

But, then she wakes me with questions on religion, and it puts everything right back into perspective for me:

How can I even begin to feel sorry for myself, or even start to complain about recovery when my little one has been through many more traumatic operations? And she bounced back each time, with her eager smile and determined attitude. She has taught me more about recovery than I will ever know on my own…she’s my hero. And my 2am spiritual guide.

She’s better than the old 24 hour Church of Elvis!!

Halfway there….

Well, I am in the second week of surgical recovery, and I’m still amazed at how tired my body is. Tell me how it is that I can focus on the tv in my bedroom for hours at a time,but one look at the Target circular in the Sunday paper makes my eyes reel in pain?

The stitches in my right eye have definately dissolved, but my vision is still pretty blurry in the right eye compared to the left. The healing, on the other hand, looks much better on the right eye, which makes me believe that I will be feeling much better in about a week. Until then it is all I can do to lie low and wait it out. My husband is impatient for me to bounce back, but it’s just not that easy for me to jump in the car and run errands just yet.

What light through yonder window breaks?

Today my right eye began to open oh-so-slowly as the swelling went down. I started to realize that, while it was easy to continue taking bromelain and arnica montana for swelling, as they were by my bedside arsenal of meds, the Monavie was a bit harder to remember, because it was all the way in the kitchen fridge. Now I have my mom giving it to me twice a day, and the swelling and bruising should go down.

The following photo was taken today, with me forcing my eyes open:

eyes open.....11/22

So, I can see a wee bit through my right eye, which is a huge relief. I found many things to be grateful for when I was blind, though: Thank goodness my affliction was temporary…not seeing my little girls everyday would kill me. That being said, there was a simplicity that came when you could not see the clutter in the house, lol! But seriously, it did give me plenty of time to think about how much simpler my life could be if I wanted to take the steps to make it so. When life is condensed to the bed and the bathroom, it can’t be much simpler. Of course, eventually I would have to venture out into the kitchen, which would’ve caused me to clean out all those cluttered drawers and cabinets that drive my husband wacky. Note to self: clean house as if you were blind next time.

I am convinced now that the third day post op is the most painful. Therefore, I look forward tomorrow.

seriously?

So, forgive the typos, but now I’m typing blind. Dr. Dailey decided against opening up my right eye when he went to do the decompression on my left. Seems the inside liner is still too swollen, and he wan’ts to be extra cautions. For this reason, I will not be posting any photos today, as I can’t see to take them! LOL!

I’m pretending that I’m doing an actor’s study on “wait until dark”

My mom will take photos today, but I have no idea how to post them, so it may slow down this blog for a bit.

Othere than that, the surgery went better. I chastized the doc who wrote the ridiculously low prescription for percocet, telling him that my mother was playing nurse ratche and being very strict about the one percocet every 6 hours, no thanks to him. The ony response I heard was “That’s odd….” I replied “Odd?> painful is more accurate”……I’m sorry is not in this doctor’s vocabulary. Go figure.

Thanks for all the cards, flowers and positive messages here and on myspace/facebook/phone calls, etc….. Special thanks to those bringing by food, as it takes a little off my mom’s plate.

Well, here’s looking at you…..or not….

’twas the night before surgery…..

So, tomorrow is part 2 of the orbital decompression surgery. I’m trying to enjoy sleeping for moments at a time on my left side, because as of tomorrow I will be a back only sleeper. I am a total side sleeper, so this has been one of the largest adjustments I’ve had to make. I’m sleeping on three pillows and propped up with one of those corduroy backrests from the 80’s. The pillow furniture I bought in college is still useful, as I’m using the bolster pillow to support just under my knees.

I knew my husband and I were meant to be when my college pillow furniture: a wide corduroy in dusty blue with pink stitching, matched his first marriage furniture: a monster couch in pink and blue herculon. A match made in heaven.

My surgery isn’t until noon tomorrow, which is a bummer, because I won’t be able to eat or drink anything all morning. Me without coffee only goes so far.

Last time we went out for a last supper at Shari’s, where I am in love with the veggie omlet with stuffed hashbrowns. But, since I can’t drive and everyone else is asleep, it’s fruit salad and brownies tonight.

I’ve managed to go all day without so much as a Tylenol because I want to be sure that the percocet works the way I need it to tomorrow. I’ve been weaning myself off for the last three days, knowing that the next three days will be the most painful.

I’m looking forward to the halfway mark, but I’m nervous about this upcoming surgery…especially since I know how much discomfort I will be in for the first 24-72 hours. I asked my mom if I could just stop here and not do the other eye, and she reminded me that I had the same reaction when I got my ears pierced….the poor lady at Spencers was chasing me around the store as I screamed and cried “I changed my mind!” I eventually gave in, and let them pierce the other ear, and I know I’ll go through with tomorrow’s surgery.

Knowing that I was about to go down for several more days, I ventured out into the world with my mom and kids. the outing du jour was to New Seasons, my favorite grocery store. I figured we could pick up a quick dinner there, and I could get more arnica montana, which is part of why my face isn’t more swollen and bruised. Big mistake, venturing out.

I never realized how much we see when we are passengers in a car….the speed at which objects fly in and out of view are dizzying if you’ve been on a low stimulus eye diet. Then there was the store. I was nausious the minute I walked in. And people have no idea that I am blind in one eye, and they keep walking in front of me cutting me off or, even worse, bumping into me. So, I started putting one of my daughters on my “bad” side to shelter me….between my daughters sheilding me and my mother lording over everything, and the fact that I was wearing dark shades when it’s 70 degrees and raining, I’m sure I looked like I was running away to a battered shelter with my kids. LOL!

We had planned to go get a couple of koi and rent a movie right after dinner, but I was eshausted from the outing, and went right to bed.

I will not be posting more than a pre-surgery photo tomorrow, but I’ll hopefully check back in as soon as I’m up to it.

If you say “break a leg” before a performance, what is the proper pre-surgery salutation? All I can think of is

cross my heart, hope to die….stick a needle in my eye.

Day 5 photo

Day 5 post orbital decompression surgery

cross my heart, hope to die….

So, I have to say, I have been really happy with my recovery so far. The swelling and bruising is at a minimum, and the pain is now negotiable thanks to the happy pills.

Until this evening when a foreign object entered the bad eye.

Mind you, I have some hair. Not the Farrah Fawcett, luxuriously thick mane I always dreamed of, but my recent friendship with a Paul at Blue Chair Salon finally has me thinking of my hair as an asset instead of a liability. In fact, two of my girlfriends who visited commented on the complimentary cut and color of my hair instead of how hideous my eye looks…come to think of it, they were probably just being nice.

I have a food service background, so I am paranoid about tying my tresses back before I start work in the kitchen. Especially lately, as my hair tends to fall out more easily with all my thyroid issues. I’m not balding or anything, but my hairbrush has an excess off dna when I blow dry.

I’ve been placing an antibiotic ointment on my eye sutures to help them heal and ward off infection. The stuff literally melts all over…in my eyes, down my cheek, in my hair, etc. So, hairs are naturally sticking to the ointment and I’ve been absolutely paranoid about getting them out. I’m using only fresh washed cloths on my ice packs and washing my face with sterile wash cloths and trying to get the excess goop out of my eye with a q tip…..big mistake.

They don’t make q tips that don’t shed anymore. I’ve tried every brand…they have this synthetic stuff that makes it’s own hair…..not good in my situation.

And to make matters worse, my entire right side of my face is slightly swollen, and completely numb. So, I keep chasing phantom hairs that I think I can feel on my fingers, but I don’t see them in the mirror with my one eye. My skin texture has completely changed with the edema, so it makes it extra hard to determine if it is a stray hair or dry skin….and my skin reacts so differently to touch. If I touch my lower cheek it somehow resonates in my eyebrow….difficult to describe.

So, tonite I can feel a serious hair IN MY EYE. I try excavating it with a q tip, but to no avail. Finally I’m crying and wiggling my face trying to get the bugger out, and it happens: I pull a stitch out. Ouch. And, even though my mom pulled out a mongo hair from the corner of my eye, it still feels as if something is in there.

So, what’s a girl to do when there is a foreign object in your eye, and no reasonable way to get it out? Put on a chick flick and prepare to cry.

The movie du nuit was The Notebook. I loved the novel, and had been waiting until another chick was around to watch the flick with. My mother proved the perfect candidate. I bawled my eyes out….but the hair still seems entwined somehow…..what a helpless feeling.

Good news is, I can see out of both eyes right now, and I get to take my mom for a ride on the OHSU tram to Casey Eye Institute tomorrow, where I’m certain my surgeon would like to lecture me on the dangers of q tips, and proper eye hygiene.

I’m sporting a hair band for the remainder of August.

latest photo

So, the swelling and discoloration continue to be at bay….one good thing. The pain is much more manageable now, but being a one-eyed cyclops is not without it’s disadvantages. I am absolutely paranoid about what I cannot see. Open kitchen cabinets and toys on the floor are now much more serious than distractions, and yesterday my dear husband thought it would be cute to sneak up behind me and tickle me on the back of the leg…..BIG mistake. Mistake magnified by 60 mgs of prednisone, I might add.

I hate prednisone. If you’ve never had it, the best way to describe it is to say that it amps up your primal “fight or flight” response. I’ve been on it many times when I had ulcerative colitis, and I cringe any time it is prescibed, because it makes me a complete hag….lucky hubby, lucky family.

We took our two favorite priests to dinner last week as a big pre-surgery send-off, and they informed me that Santa Lucia is the Patron Saint of the eyes. So, tonight I’m hoping to go out and adopt a koi to keep orangesickle company and name it Lucy. Last Wednesday Mass at Holy Rosary was dedicated to me…..my Great Grandmother Angelina is in heaven smiling at me right now, I’m sure.

Day 2 of Orbital Decompression

Forgive the typos, I’m typing with my eyes closed. So, the surgery went relatively well. the biggest issue I had was with pain management. The doctor wrote a prescription for purcocet, with instructions to take one pill every six hours. This was a ridiculously low dose, and my mother was hoarding the pills as if I were some sort of addict. The pain ended up getting the upper hand, and by the time I consulted with the doc the next day, he told me that I could’ve taken 1-2 pills every 4-6 hours….much different than 1 pill every six. So, the healing has been much smoother since th first day fiasco. Pian sucks.

Surprises include the numbing of my entire right side of my face. I wasn’t expecting that. My docs are pleasantly surprised that I seem to be bruising and swelling less than most patients….hooray for Monavie!!

I still have significant pain in my eye sockets, and I’m off to purcocet-land…..just wanted to check in and post the first of many gross photos.

Pre-Surgery tips

My friend and plastic surgeon has given me the following tips pre and post surgery to help with swelling and bruising:

Take arnica montana…..available at most health food homeopathic areas (Boiron makes it). Take it as directed a full week and after surgery to help with healing and bruising.

Bromalain (known as the papaya enzyme). This should be taken a week before as well, as well as during the healing process to help with inflamation. This should be taken on an empty stomach.

Monavie is also excellent to take 2 weeks before and two weeks after surgery because of it’s high antioxidant properties.